Day 137 - Irrational fears, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I have 2 irrational fears

1. I'm afraid of Sharks

2. I'm afraid of Spiders

These fears are entirely irrational. I have a better chance of getting hit by a bus crossing the street than being attacked by a shark or dying from a spiderbite. My rational side knows this.

But when I visit the aquarium and see the shark exhibit my heartbeat starts to race. Those jagged sharp teeth and the way the eyes seem to follow you as they slowly swim by. I get goosebumps. I can't even stand close to the glass. If there's a spider over my bed, I can NOT sleep under it. I'll refuse and Eric has to catch it and put it outside. One morning I woke up to the sight of a large spider crawling up my arm. I screamed on the top of my lungs and hugged myself trembling for 15 minutes afterwards.

The movie "Open Water" and the film "Jaws" gave me nightmares for weeks.

I guess most people have an irrational fear or two. A phobia that they can't seem to shake. It's a part of what makes us human. Those are mine. Embarrassing to admit, but true...

Question: Do you have an irrational fear? What is it?

(This snapshot was taken in front of a huge mural in the Tenderloin District. On the corner of Polk street.)

Day 136 - Figuring things out, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Eric and I went out for a Happy Hour drink this afternoon and had a more serious talk.

We had to face the fact that our financial situation is pretty bad and we can't keep on this road. We wont survive.

One of us is going to have to get a higher paying job outside of the art field.

Even though Eric is willing to do it...I believe that it should be me.

I'm 5 years younger than Eric, It's not as big a deal for me to take a career detour for a year or two. Once Eric's client base expands I can afford go back to doing what I love. It's a temporary set back and it's worth it to me. I would hate to see Eric get stuck at a job he hates. It would be harder for him to leave and I don't see much room for growth in the company I'm in now anyway. They're paying me peanuts.

So it's official. I'm job hunting again...A better paying job is the only way we'll be able to pay off the student loans, hospital bills (You don't want to know how much last month's surgery cost) and credit cards. Otherwise it'll just follow us to our grave.

Life is filled with struggles, ups and downs. I love Eric and I know that we can go through anything together. These current money troubles are just another bump in the road that we'll overcome like everything else.

Day 135 - Afternoon at the beach, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I was inspired by This photo by littleone7 and decided it was time to go to the beach.

Eric and I walked down Hyde Street to Ghiradelli Square and went to the small beach area beside the pier.

Kids were splashing knee deep in the cold water and laughing, A street performer was singing "San Francisco (wear flowers in your hair)" by scott Mckenzie and strumming his guitar in front of the cable car turntable.

It's not warm enough to sport a bikini yet, but nice enough to dip your feet in the water and relax in the sun.

I laid back on the sand, while Eric started combing the beach for seashells. That's him in front of me examining a crab that washed up on the shore. That's the first thing he does whenever he goes to the beach.. searches for sealife, shells, rounded glass looking pebbles. It's so endearing and part of what I love about him. His endless curiosity and fascination with everything. It's contagious. I joined him after this shot was taken.

We climbed along the rocks leading towards Fort Mason, then sat on the edge of the steep hill overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge to watch the sunset.

Fisherman's Wharf area is so kitsch and touristy (a lot of locals avoid it all together) but I love it there. People come from all over the world to see the views and be a part of the San Francisco atmosphere. Sometimes you forget for moments how beautiful it is here and the tourists excitement remind me of how lucky I am to call this city home.

It was a perfect day, just the two of us. We left our worries, financial struggles, concerns..all of that at home and just relaxed.

Day 134 - History in the making!, originally uploaded by clarity25.

May 4th 2008

"America, This is our moment.."

That was the headline on the San Francisco Chronicle Newspaper this morning. When I saw it I was filled with happiness and hope! The whole city is brimming with it right now. You can find a lot of these images of Barak Obama spray stenciled on the streets around San Francisco, particularly around the lower haight area. Every Victorian bay window seems to be sporting a VOTE OBAMA sticker.

It feels like history is in the making and I can't help but feel excited about it.

The question a lot of people are asking now is:

Who is going to be his running mate and will it be Hilary Clinton?

What's your thoughts on that possibility? Dream team or do you not see that happening?

Day 133 - Living in Earthquake country, originally uploaded by clarity25.

“California tremblor of Magnitude 6.7 or higher is more than 99% certain, scientists say”

The apartment I’m in living in today was destroyed by the fires of the 1906 Earthquake and rebuilt in 1908. ALL of Nob hill was flattened and reduced to ashes. It’s strange to see pictures of the street I live on after the earthquake. Desolate, bare, smoke-filled. The blurry black and white images show people searching through the rubble for a semblance of their old life.

When I watch news footage of the tragic horrific earthquake that recently happened in China, it’s scary to think I’m living in Earthquake country myself.

Everyone in San Francisco jokes about “The Big One”. The jokes are usually followed by a nervous laugh that fades to a momentary uncomfortable silence.

We know it’s coming.

Any time I feel a slight tremor, there’s a moment of fear. It kind of shoots down my spine and causes me to stop dead in my tracks. When it passes, I move on with a slight feeling of trepidation.. but within a minute it’s already forgotten.

It’s weird living on a ticking time bomb though. When you actually think about it…

I just read an article that ranks San Francisco number 4# on the list of the top five most dangerous places to live in the United States (In relation to potential natural disasters)

On the flip side of the coin… If you're curious, The 5 SAFEST U.S. cities to live in are..

1.Mesa, AZ
2.Milwaukee, WI
3.Cleveland, OH
4.El Paso, TX
5.Pheonix, AZ

Oddly enough..the knowledge that at any moment in the next 30 years a massive earthquake will strike this city does NOTmake me want to pack up my bags and move to Mesa, Arizona

I'm not going anywhere

It just makes me appreciate every day a little more and it's a reminder to not take a minute for granted.

Besides the scientists are only 99% certain, there’s always that 1% chance that everything will be fine.....;)

Day 132 - on the roof, originally uploaded by clarity25.

The excitement of finally having a place of our own again hasn’t faded yet..

Eric and I love sitting up on the roof and looking over the town. During the warm days, we can sunbathe and the cooler days we just sketch the view. The basement of the building is like a labyrinth, filled with strange rooms, corridors and a door leading to an overgrown garden…

We’ve moved a lot in the past 4 years.. (Germany, New York, San Francisco) and I realized that our rent each time has increased while the size of our homes have decreased..

At some point it’s going to be time to buy a home but how do you even begin to afford that? I often wonder what other people our age are spending on rent each month and how many own a home already..

When I was 15 I imagined I would own a home by the time I turned 30.. But something tells me that this will not be the case.

But then again, I also thought I would have everything in life all figured out by the time I turned 25

Ha.

Day 131 - Reading in the Garden, originally uploaded by clarity25.

This shot was taken in the Garden in the center court area of our apartment. It's quiet and hidden from the public view. A secret hidden garden that not many residents of this building ever visit or even seem to know about. I love how overgrown it is and quiet..

Lately I've been reading a lot of books about historic san francisco and taking walks around the city to view the old buildings. This city has the craziest history I've ever read about. I guess it's understandable considering most of the original residents were argonauts from all over the world that came here hunting for gold.

Right now I’m reading “Bones of Barbary Coast” by Daniel Hecht. My friend recommended it. It’s a little bit like “Davinci Code” meets “The Medium”. Strange book but really interesting…A Paranomal Private investigator comes to SF and starts researching the unusual bones from 1906 buried in the basement of a victorian home in Pacific Heights.

What are you reading right now?

Day 130 - Morning Rituals, originally uploaded by clarity25.

7:30 A.M in the morning.

Our bathroom is small, there's no counterspace next to the sink so most of our toiletries are crammed into shelves behind the mirror. Our bathtub is dated with an odd showerhead. The toilet flushes slowly. There is a window with an old wooden frame over the toilet that creaks loudly when opened.

I love the bathroom though and the early morning rituals.

Now the mornings are relaxing and slow. Just the sound of the coffeemaker, the birds in the trees outside the windows and The wooden floors creaking under Eric's feet as he goes through his morning routine.

129 - Petals, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Spring is fading, the petals are falling from the trees and Summer is arriving in the city

Summers in San Francisco tends to be foggy, usually clearing up by the mid afternoon and the fog moving back in the evenings. You can hear the fog horns from the ships passing under the Golden Gate bridge all over the city at night.

The wind from the bay can be really chilly. You can only wear short sleeve shirts for short intervals of time and you always have to carry a sweater wherever you go because the temperature can drop at any time.

Not many people (outside of the tourists) wear shorts in the summer. Since I moved to San Francisco I've worn jeans all year long. The Summers fade into Autumn, the autumn becomes Winter, Winter is Spring. It's all basically the same here.

This is a shot of me and Eric. Eric is on the top left handing me the petal, I'm on the bottom.

Day 128 - Good times, bad times, originally uploaded by clarity25.

A lot has happened since my last photo update a few weeks ago.

I'll break it down into two categories. the good and the bad...

Bad:

Eric got sick

Eric developed a really bad inner ear infection and high fever. I had to take him to the ER (Yes, yet another trip to the Emergency Room -- Twice in one month!)

They gave him antibiotics and pain killers. They instructed me to monitor his recovery closely, check for fevers frequently and re-admit him to the hospital if it got worse. They feared that it was Mastoiditis and would require surgery. I was worried out of my mind...

Thankfully after 2 weeks, Eric is now 100% better.

Financial struggles

Rent, Bills, student loan payments, utilities, and purchasing everything for our new place (ie. Bed, Pots, pans, utensils,kitchen table).. We are just truly just barely hanging on.

Drama

Our former roommate, John is angry at us over our decision to move out of his apartment and get a place of our own. He threatened Eric the other night and He wants nothing to do with either of us at this point.

After everything we've been through together...It's horrible to see our friendship fall apart like this.

Although I'm still good friends Celine..She's married to John and doesn't want to be caught in the middle. This situation is difficult, upsetting and complex.

This is really not how I imagined things would turn out.

Now for... the GOOD:

We are all moved in and settled into our new flat.

Having our own place again is a dream come true. We started with nothing but a comforter + two pillows, suitcases and an office chair. Now we have almost everything we need. A futon, work desks, kitchen table, utensils, plates, bowls.. It took a while, but it's all fallen into place.

We've grown so much closer again and our marriage is resembling what it was before. although we're struggling. I couldn't be happier or more in love.

I'm entirely healed after my surgery last month.

and....We finally hooked up our internet! It's the cheapest service you could ever imagine and slow as a snail but it's a good temporary solution until we can afford a faster one. (It took 30 minutes to just download the last few pictures - You can click back to view them)

That sums up my last few weeks. Things could be better, but they can also be much worse. I'm trying not to see everything in black and white. I have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.. The Bad times and the good times...

Day 127 - How do I work this?, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Our apartment is a little dated.. as in from the early 1900's.

The intercom system has not been updated since then. So we have THIS thing next to the front door of our apartment..

The first time the faint ringer went off to signal that someone was outside the building, I was unsure what to do.

I picked up the little ear piece and fiddled with the switch on the buttom of the old fashioned phone thingie. I heard a faint crackling.. which seemed promising.

"Hello??"

I leaned over and spoke into the microphone thingie.

"Hello?"

Eric started laughing. I gave up and ran down the long narrow hallway to greet my friend at the front door of the building instead.

I guess the relic is pretty useless at this point. It's an interesting piece of history. An artifact from another Era.. I like to imagine what the original tenants looked like, what their story was. the family or person that lived here has probably long since passed away...

Question: Have you ever lived or do you currently live in an old building or house? What year was it built?

Day 126 - First day in our new flat, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly disoriented. I was tangled up in Eric's arms on a comforter and pillows on the floor. I could see the blurry image of an empty champagne bottle and 2 empty glasses turned sideways.

The Sunlight was coming in brightly from the open windows.. I could see the trees from the backyard and hear birds. (a sound I'm not really used to anymore.) I gazed around and our apartment was flooded with new light. For a second, I didn't even register where I was. It's so strange waking up in a new apartment for the first time.. especially an empty one.

The events from last night all came back to me. Unpacking the boxes, drinking the champagne, ..all the laughter, happiness and excitement of having a place of our own again. We ran around with barefeet, checking out the cupboards, drawers, lights... we danced and talked about how amazing this was until the early morning hours.

Even though my head was pounding, I had to smile.. I'm so incredibly happy right now. This is such a milestone for us.

Then I realized I was late for work because I had forgotten to set my alarm clock. I lept up and started searching for something to wear. I was running around in circles because I couldn't remember where I put everything and I didn't have an iron. I literally sprinted down california street.

While I was at work, Eric picked up the new futon from the craigslist ad. He had it all set up when I arrived home. It's so beautiful and I never thought I'd appreciate a futon as much as I do right now.

OUR FIRST OFFICIAL PIECE OF FURNITURE!

That's the two of us sitting on it this afternoon.

Day 125 - We have the key!, originally uploaded by clarity25.

It's 9:30 P.M. I'm sitting on the hardwood floor of our new apartment typing this entry on my laptop. This area has so much free WIFI floating around from all the coffeeshops and bars. I'll be able to use that until our own service gets installed on Wednesday.

We received the key today!

The previous tenant was such a nice person. He left us his curtains his microwave, some cleaning supplies, toiletries, some spoons and cups. Then he wished us luck.

Believe it or not, we are all moved in.

This is because we have so little and we are basically starting over again from scratch. We left most of our belongings in my parents garage because they couldn't fit in John's already furnished apartment. We drove here to San Francisco a number of months ago with a few boxes, our clothing, 3 suitcases and a french easel. We have a coffeemaker and an office chair.

...and that's basically it.

Someone on Craigslist is getting rid of their futon and we'll be picking that up tomorrow. We have a comforter and pillows though. So...Tonight we'll be sleeping on the floor. Granted, it's not the most luxurious temporary arrangement but I'm so excited I really could care less.

We are on the bottom floor apartment, The windows are open. We can hear the clang of the california street cable car and fog horns in the distance tonight. Other than that.. it's so quiet. Just the sound of the hardwood creaking underneath our feet and Eric is unpacking some of our clothing into the hallway closet as I type this..

We have so little right now and our voice echoes when we talk in this little empty studio... but I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

This is it. This is the first night of our new beginning in our new place. In time this little home will fill up with the necessary furniture, pictures on the walls, books, plates, bowls, pots, pans.. piece by piece it's all going to come together.

We have a bottle of champage we're going to crack open soon and pour into two drinking glasses.

It still feels unreal, I'm in a slight daze. As though I'm going to pinch myself and find out that this is all a dream. there are so many thoughts rushing through my head.. This has all happened so fast and there's some loose strings that need to be tied up..For now I'll just enjoy this moment. Tomorrow is another day.

. You can click back one and see some of the pics I took of the flat. I'll post more as the place starts to come together.

A place of our own, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Here are some pics of our new studio. Not greatest pictures, but it's a bunch of indoor night shots without flash. We only have one lamp and need to replace some of the lightbulbs tomorrow. so they're all a bit dark..

Picture one is the main room.

Picture two is a view from the other side of the main room. Door one leads to the kitchen, Door two leads to the hallway. There are two doors in the hallway. the first one goes to the walk in closet and the second is the front door.

You go around the bend and there's another hallway (with another closet), that hallway leads to the Bathroom. See picture Four. I probably would have to draw out a floor plan for this to really make sense. It's such a strange layout which is what I love most about this place.

Picture three is the built-in bookshelf, which I can't wait to fill up with books,movies and knicknacks. It's really cute and old fashioned. the inside of the drawers have contact paper with victorian style designs that must have remained preserved since the early 1900's.

This house is filled with built-in little nooks and cranny's to be discovered and 3 strange additional keys that the previous owner has no idea what to do with.

wait till you see the bizarre intercom system... It's obviously remained the same for the past 80 years at least. I'll post a pic of that tomorrow.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but for us.. it's PERFECT.

Day 124 - A new beginning, originally uploaded by clarity25.

This morning we checked the voicemail on Eric's cellphone and received the following message

"My apologies for calling so late. We had a lot of applications to go through. This message is for Clarity and Eric Smith. All your referrals, your credit and background all checked out. My wife and I would love for you to be our new tenants. Please give me a call back at your earliest convenience and we'll make an appointment to sign the lease."

I can't remember the last time I felt SO ELATED! I covered my mouth, slid down the wall in shock and then started crying. It was tears of relief. It was tears from wanting something for so long, for struggling for so long and the insane relief when it actually works out the way we had hoped it would. It's overwhelming when you finally get that first break.. just at that moment when we were close to giving up.

Eric and I hugged eachother tightly. Then I started jumping up and down.

After a series of crushing disappointments and months of searching...It happened. It finally happened

and yes, It's 100% official!!

Eric and I now have cozy studio apartment of our very own

We just signed the lease 30 minutes ago and TOMORROW we will be getting the keys from the previous tenant.

It's a studio apartment right between Pacific Heights and Nobhill. I'm sure that anyone living in SF has an idea how hard it is to find affordable housing in this area. It's an old fashioned edwardian style 3 story home with about 12 other tenants on a tree-lined sunny street. It's $1050, (A steal.. believe it or not) It has a built in bookshelf, a walk in closet, full kitchen with room for a dining table + chairs, a bathroom down the hall with a bathtub. (this will be our first home with a true bathtub)

and it's only a five minute stroll down the hill from our roommates. So it'll be easy to visit regularly.

We've been putting aside money little by little over the past few months, and we can afford the deposit, first months rent now. all the working overtime and sacrifices have paid off.

I can't wait to get the keys and step inside our very own place tomorrow. It's small, yes.. but it's OURS and I couldn't be happier.

Thanks for all your good vibes and encouragement. You were right, eventually we would find that perfect place and we just did.

I still can't believe this!.. even while I type this...Now I have to sign off. Eric and I are heading out to walk by our new apartment and just stand in front of it to gaze at it like 2 big dorks.

But we're not just looking at the entrance to our new home, we're looking at a brand new beginning for both of us.

I will update again tomorrow with pics of the inside of our new apartment tomorrow! I just had to share the good news right away!

Day 123 - Pain killer Cocktail, originally uploaded by clarity25.

It's now 5 days after the surgical procedure and I'm in more pain than I expected...

I was under the impression that I would have only one follow up appointment on Monday. They would give me the bandages and antibiotics I need to heal and send me merrily on my way.

I was wrong...

On Monday they opened up the bandage and took a look. The wound is deeper than I thought and there was unfortunately some more cutting involved. (ouch!!) I went again on Thursday and although it's healing up nicely, they are going to have to do another procedure NEXT TUESDAY to make sure it closes up evenly. It's a hole, so they can't just stitch it up like a regular wound. This procedure involves some sort of burning (?) and I was warned it would be painful.

"Be sure to take a heavy dose of your prescribed painkillers before the appointment. At least an hour in advance"

Wonderful. Could anybody who has experienced something like this give me a heads up on what they're referring to?? the nurse didn't seem to want to elaborate.

I will have to go to the hospital wound clinic two times a week for the next 4-6 weeks.

The doctor instructed me to take a few days off from work for bedrest, to avoid moving my arm as much as possible and not to carry anything heavy for a while.

So I've been off from work this week and resting in bed most of the time. I have a cocktail of Vicodin, Motrin, Naproxen, Aspirin and Acetometaphin. I have the doses measured out, so don't worry.. I'm not taking them all at once. I'm in pain, but not suicidal.

I'm feeling a little better tonight, ...it's good to know I'm slowly healing. I can move my arm again without the extreme pain under my arm. I have to take it easy, but I should be back on my feet entirely by next week.

But I'm NOT looking forward to receiving the hospital bill in the mail...

This is just an update on the ER visit and to let you know what's going on right now. I'm woozy, so now I just need to crawl into bed and get some sleep.

THANK YOU so much for all of your supportive, caring and kind get well wishes. It meant a lot to me and helped me get through this week. It's nice to be back. I've really missed you guys.

Day 122 - Our six year wedding anniversary in the ER, originally uploaded by clarity25.

It's been a while since I've updated here. Sorry for falling off of the face of the earth for a short while. It's due to the fact that our roommate, John removed internet access from the livingroom area and put it in his bedroom. I had no access to the web for a while. I've also been working full time and 12 hour days in my new job. The stress has been overwhelming.

But now I'm back and lets see if I can summarize the past few weeks.

The biggest event that happened to me occured this weekend.

This weekend was my 6 year wedding anniversary with Eric and we spent it in the EMERGENCY ROOM of the San Francisco general Hospital. I had minor surgery done.

It was quite possibly the most frightening experience of my life. It's not something I want to write about or revisit.. but it's kind of important. Maybe it will help prevent anyone else from going through what I did.

10 months ago I first noticed the small lump under my left arm pit.

I know this seems like the kind of thing I would write about here in my 365 days journal (since I've been documenting every aspect of my daily life), but to be honest.. I didn't think much of it. It was so small, like a tiny pea embedded deep under the skin and it didn't hurt. I thought it was a swollen lymp node. I was under the belief that a lump had to be in your breast for it to be dangerous.

5 months later, it grew to the size of a pebble. During my yearly breast exam my doctor felt it and observed that it was probably a cyst or a calcium deposit. She gave me a referral for a specialist which I never followed up on. I was in the middle of moving to San Francisco and I had just quit my job, so I didn't have health insurance at that point.

2 weeks ago, It started to hurt a bit. Just enough to cause discomfort and worry.

1 week ago it began to grow larger and become more painful but I was so busy with work I didn't want to take off any days so early into a new job. I'm still trying to make a good impression.

Then the fever and chills came. My entire arm was in pain and I couldn't raise it anymore. the whole area hurt so badly, I had to take 3 motrin every 6 hours to just get through work on Thursday and Friday. Eric started begging me to see a doctor, I told him "on the weekend, I promise.. I'm just in the middle of a big project!"

On Saturday, the pain was so extreme I started shaking. Eric rushed me to the San Francisco General Hospital.

It turns out my cyst was infected and leaking fluids inside the skin under my arm. It was almost at the point of rupturing which would have potentially led to blood poisoning. They did a lot of blood tests to count my white blood cells to see if it was cancer such as Hodgensons Lymphoma. I had a series of doctors examining me, At around midnight..they stuck an IV in my arm and started administering Morphine for the pain. It helped at first and that's when this picture was taken.

This was my first time in a hospital emergency room in a hospital gown, attached to an IV in a scary white room. At 2 A.M. I started crying because of the pain that had returned full force and an intense fear. I was a mess. Eric was holding my hand, and smoothing down my hair. They were concerned about my fever. I was hallucinating due to the morphine and thought the cookie monster was singing "C is for Cookie" at the foot of my bed. I believed he was my guide to take me to "the other side" In retrospect, I find that rather funny.

At 3 A.M., they used 7 big (extremely painful) needles to numb the area and cut me open while I was on a morphine drip. It's terrifying to be awake while surrounded by 5 different doctors, nurses, and attendees while they're slicing open your arm pit. There are no words to describe. I could feel what they were doing despite the numbing injections. Eric was squeezing my hand. Two nurses were holding my legs to insure I didn't move during the procedure.

After removing the entire cyst, they put antibiotic gauze in the area and gave me a prescription for Vicodin. They removed the IV and had me rest for an hour before I was allowed to leave the hospital room. I returned home and threw up until 7 A.M.

That was how we spent our 6 year wedding anniversary.

It is an anniversary we'll never forget. what I wont forget is how Eric held my hand the entire time, How he held me in his arms that morning while I trembled and cried in bed. His support, his love.. and it's weird how something as scary as this can make you realize how important you are to eachother as a couple. How deep your love is together.

What I learned from this experience is to never ignore a lump. any lump. EVER. If you have a cyst right now, even a benign cyst. I urge you to go to the doctor and have it aspirated. I didn't realize until this week that cysts could get abscessed, infected, rupture or cause life threatening health problems.

I'm healing now and I'm okay. 100% better. I should be back to complete health and healed within 2 weeks.

Despite this weekend's hospital drama.. I'm really doing okay and I have a feeling that things are going to only get better from this point on. Life is filled with ups and downs but that's what it's all about. The experience of getting where you want to be...This crazy ride...and what I realized this weekend is that I should never take a single minute of it for granted.

Life is short and right now, I feel very lucky and grateful that I'm still around to write about it.

Lots of Love, Clarity

Day 122 of 365 days

Good news, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I applied for a job last week at a multi-media company in SOMA and crossed my fingers..

This morning I received a phone call from the company.

I got the job!

I nearly fell over backwards. After a series of disappointments and dashed hopes... this is a big deal for me. This job is the first step towards a new beginning. I'm so excited and nervous about the first day..

I start tomorrow.

I'll let you know how it goes.

NOTE: This picture was taken and the entry was written on March 1st. I haven't been able to update since then because this new job isn't a typical 9-5 job. It's been requiring extra overtime hours especially with all the training in the first week. I've been coming home exhausted and passing out.

I love it though. It's been a good week so far despite the stress of learning the ropes of a new job.

This weekend, I'll update more about my first day and update the pics for the rest of the week. Now I have to get dressed and run out the front door.

I just wanted to share the good news. Thanks for all your good vibes and encouragment! Things are really looking up right now. (Finally... I have to admit we were close to giving up all hope, packing up my bags and leaving San Francisco) Eric got another freelance art job too. So we're both feeling really happy this week.

Day 119 - My Lucky Penny and a Job Interview, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I had a job interview today.

It was for a full-time position in the multi-media company in SoMA.

If I hadn't worked as a temp for a few weeks and made connections.. I would have never known about this job. Which goes to show that everything in life happens for a reason.

It's a creative, fun and challenging position. Something I would enjoy doing with people that I'd love working with.

I'm *really* *really* hoping I get this position.

A stable job in a cool company that would help pull us out of our financial slump.

I have my lucky San Francisco Penny and my fingers are crossed.

Now I just have to wait for them to call.

I have a good feeling about this though. I've had so much bad luck lately, something has GOT to give.

Day 118 - stepping into comfortable shoes again., originally uploaded by clarity25.

My receptionist job ended today.

As soon as I arrived home...I shed off the business suit and kicked the high heels off my feet.

Back to my comfy socks, faded jeans and converse.

It's weird how something as simple as slipping on a pair of shoes can change how you feel and how you behave.

When I put on a pair of high-heels, I feel like I'm stepping into a role. I'm playing a part. Sometimes I'll pass my reflection in a store window as I'm heading to work and not recognize myself. I wonder if anyone else realizes that I'm playing dress up. If I look as strange in a business suit as I feel...

I think a lot of people have a split life..One person at work and another person at home. The work person becomes your Alter-ego.

I wonder if all the lawyers, C.E.O's, accountants..etc that I've worked with over the past few weeks feel the same. I wonder if they go home and pull on a pair of ripped jeans, let down their hair and roll up their sleeves exposing tribal tattoos.

Note: The blue Converse are mine, The red ones are Celine's and the other ones belong to John. It seems like everyone has an old pair of converse somewhere in their closet. Almost everyone I know anyway, ranging from age 12 to age 50.

Do you?

117 - Another day in the office., originally uploaded by clarity25.

My co-worker Joe snapped this picture of me while I was on the phone with a client.

Joe sits across from me now and we just talk about life when I'm not taking calls or greeting people.

Joe came to San Francisco in 1968 from South Carolina to attend Art College. He never left. He described the transformation that happened to him. Acid trips in the Haight Ashbury, Seeing Janis Joplin perform at the Fillmore theater.. All the hippies in the Summer of Love. The free-wheeling Seventies and how everyone changed in the eighties.. the grunge of the nineties..

"San Francisco keeps growing and changing with each decade, but one thing remains consistent. It's a city of artists, idealists, dreamers and liberals. It's a place where you can be yourself and not fear judgment. People from all over the world come here to start over. There's an excitment in the air and a general happiness that you wont find in any other city in the world. I wouldn't live anywhere else. Ever."

It's too bad, this temporary receptionist job ends tomorrow. I would like to keep working with Joe...He's the coolest 57 year old I've ever met with a lust for life that's inspirational.

Day 116 - Getting the hang of it, originally uploaded by clarity25.

This morning I felt more self-confident when I stepped into the office and slid behind the receptionist desk.

I filled the empty candy bowl (see above left) with Butterfingers, Babe Ruth's and Crunch bars... which I discovered is the best way to get to know my co-workers. They all wandered over to check out the treats and introduced themselves.

Now I know most of the names of everyone, and a lot of extension numbers. I know how to greet the clients..(smile, ask them to take a seat, offer them coffee or water.) I know to have incoming callers spell out their names and for me to repeat the phone number back to them when I take a message. (I learned that one the hard way) I know that so-and-so doesn't want his wife to know where he is and So-and-so is always too busy to talk to his mother. (but always available for his girlfriend)

Co-workers come over and chat confidentially with me about other co-workers.. in a whisper. A lot of drama going on and as the receptionist you get to hear all sides and watch it all unfold.

I feel a bit like PAM in "The Office"

And when the phone isn't ringing, I'm can read the San Francisco Chronicle and "Further Tales of the City" by Armistead Maupin

Believe it or not.. this is a fun job.

Day 115 - First day as a receptionist, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I walked down to Jackson Square this morning to start my temporary receptionist job

This office was extremely trendy and mod. Exposed brick walls, Big silver letter announcing the name of the company over the receptionist's desk. large windows on all sides, Bright colors on the inside walls.

My boss was british. She spoke quickly and walked fast. She gave me a fast tour of the break room, conference room and introduced me to some of my co-workers. (All European as well mostly from Spain, Denmark and United Kingdom. All in their mid-twenties and thirties)

"Here's where you'll sit.. Here's the phone... Here's a pen and a notepad. I'm booking the conference room between 1-4 P.M., The C.E.O will be out until Friday. I'll be around the corner if you have any questions."

and she was gone.

I stood there uncertainly for a moment. I had no clue what to do next.

And then the phone rang.

I looked around nervously, then eased into the receptionist chair, and picked it up...

That marked the start of a very nerve-wracking first day. I had to feign confidence and appear to know what's going on when I really didn't. The only thing that betrayed my true state was my foot trembling under the table. Luckily no one could see that...

But I remembered to smile.

Note: Every company I've worked for so far has had the same type of carpeting. It's an odd thing I've noticed that kind of unifies them all...

Day 114 - Another Mystery Assignment, originally uploaded by clarity25.

This afternoon, I received another phone call from my recruiter.

"Do you have any customer service experience?", He asked

I hesitated. "...sure" (Does the fact that I was a bartender for 3 months about 6 years ago count as Customer Service experience? close enough, I imagine...)

"Great, I have a new assignment for you. a one week assignment as a RECEPTIONIST. It's located in Jackson Square next to the TransAmerica Building, Here's the address. Go to Suite 600 on the 5th floor."

"Um..okay. When does it start?" I asked

"8:30 tomorrow morning."

"Wow.. alright..well. Can you tell me anything about the company I'll be working for?"

"Not really. wear a business suit.."

"alright then.. "

Another mystery assignment. I just have an address and a time. It should be interesting.. considering the fact that I have absolutely zero experience as a receptionist. I'm slightly wary but intrigued at the same time. I wonder what tomorrow has in store for me.

Has anyone reading this worked as a receptionist and if so.. any pointers or tips? just answer phones and greet people with a smile..right?

Why am I so nervous then?

I guess it's time to pull off the converse again and slip back into the high heels.

I'll let you know how it goes

Day 113 - Riding on a cable car, originally uploaded by clarity25.

met my friend, Mary Anne from Oakland at Union Square this afternoon. She had never experienced San Francisco and she wanted to ride a cable car.

Here's some tips for anyone that plans on riding a cable car in San Francisco.

DON'T GO ON THE WEEKEND.

The crowd at Union Square goes on for eternity and you can expect a one hour wait. Go during a weekday in the early morning or evening when all the tourists are gone.

Take the California Street Cable Car instead of the Powell/Mason line

If you go on the weekend, expect to fight for outside seating. Everyone wants to hang on the rails or stand in the back of the cable car to see the breathtaking view as you climb up the hills. EVERYONE. Only 2 people can stand in the back.

Some of the cable car attendants are not very nice or patient. You do something silly and they'll kick you right off. really! They don't care that you paid $5 for that one way ticket... So watch out.

We took the cable car to Ghiradelli Square and wandered along the waterside.

Then I walked up Hyde Street back to our Apartment and drove to Berkley for a Sketch Group meeting with a group of Bay Area Artists.

It was nice to meet some other artists in the area and make some new friends.

I also didn't realize how close Berkley was to San Francisco. It's only a 17 minute drive over the Bay Bridge.

Day 112 - A perfect Day, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I woke up this morning at 7:30 A.M. and peered out the bedroom window. The sky was clear, the weather was perfect. I shook Eric awake.

"Lets go out for Coffee at a random cafe and just explore the city.." I whispered.

Eric looked at his watch "At.. 7:30 A.M.??" (It's kind of an unspoken rule that we don't wake up before 10 A.M. on a weekend unless it's a life and death situation.)

"come on..".

We hit the street at 8 A.M. and started by walking down Leavenworth, then Pacific street into CHINATOWN. All the outside fish and fruit vendors were setting up shop. Everyone speaking chinese. We saw live fish flipping in crates, Dim sum in steaming vats, Dried lizards and toads in big baskets. It's like entering another world.

We had Dim Sum for breakfast, then continued on into Jackson Square. The skyscrapers and the famous TransAmerica Building loomed above us. Most of the offices were closed and the streets empty.

Around another corner, there was a movie being filmed. The film crew had sectioned off the street, the cars were covered in Tarp and the cameras were being set up. Actors were still in their trailers and people were running around setting up the area... It was exciting to peer over the barricade and watch..

We walked into the Financial District.. and then up Nobhill.. past the Fairmount Hotel..

Cable Cars clanged by.. We trekked up the tall hills.. Past the Grace Cathedral... We continued down Bush street into Pacific Heights. The Homes were beautiful. The streets were lined with Cherry Trees in bloom.. The sun was shining and we were holding hands. Eric pointed out the different flowers and plants along the way. He picked a purple Daisy and put it in my hair.

We went to a coffee shop on Fillmore Street and read the SF Weekly together. For lunch we had Mexican..

On the way back home we stopped at the California Street Cafe on the corner of Hyde Street..

Once we climbed up the hill and up five flights of stairs to our apartment.. we were exhausted. My legs ached and I collapsed into bed.

It was the perfect day. Nothing remarkable happened, but it was just the two of us and the city. I couldn't have been happier.

Note: That's a pic of me and Eric sitting on the steps of a victorian home on Nobhill.

day 111 - Valentines Day, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Yesterday was Valentines Day..

Eric and I attended the strangest event.

In the Embardacero, downtown San Francisco they have a Valentines Day Pillow fight. I heard about it and I was curious so we took a stroll.

As we got closer, we saw people running with Pillows.. Then we heard the frenzied screams..

We came around the corner and saw this (I took some video Footage)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyCZnIH7A9I

You can hear someone behind me asking "Why... are they doing this?"

Because it's San Francisco (?)

There were feathers flying everywhere, People getting pounded by pillows in all directions. feathers blew into my mouth and got caught up in my eyelashes. So many people.. so much laughter.

Eric grabbed a pillow that was tossed on the ground and ran into join this battle. If you look closely in this next footage, you can see him in the crowd..

www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UYox8m366s

He came out wounded and rubbing his head. "Man, they really beat you with those pillows. You get wacked in the head from all sides and there's no escaping.. "

Wen went out for dinner, Burritos and avocado burgers..and saw a movie. It was a fun night.

Anyone else go to the SF Pillow Fight?

Day 110 - Still Alive, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Yes, I'm still alive Sorry it's been a few weeks since my last update. I've been taking a self-portrait nearly every day, but I haven't had a chance to post all of them until now.

I worked 14 days consecutively without a single day off and that was exhausting. I would come home and just pass out.

I worked at a law firm in the financial district, (I wrote all about my first day - www.flickr.com/photos/clarity25/2265312979/ - and yes it explains the mysterious FED EX package ) I had a weekend job at a fancy dog show *don't even ask* in Daly City and then another 7 days at a multi-media company in SOMA. It's been insane. I didn't expect to be thrown into so many random jobs within such a short period of time. I came down with a bad cold in the middle, and nearly overdosed on Excedrine + DAYQUIL to make it through...

But the money was good and it was fun jumping into random occupations. Now I can take a breather and get back to my artwork. It provided a bit of a little bit of a financial cushion.

The weather is beautiful today. It's nice to be able to take a blanket up to the rooftop and just sunbathe.

You can move easily from one rooftop to the next to find the best spot. The gaps between the rooftops are minimal, but enough to feel adventurous.

The soft breeze, the warmth of the sun, the sound of cablecars clanging down Hyde street, the fog horn of a ship traveling under the misty golden gate bridge and seagulls overhead.. all the sounds of the city mingle together.

So I didn't hear back from that dream company I applied for.. but c'est la vie. I'll just send out more resumes. We didn't find that dream apartment yet.. but we will eventually.

But at that moment on the rooftop...All the stress of last week faded away for a while. Life is too short to not let go and enjoy it once and a while...

I have to keep believing that things will get sorted out and fall into place eventually.

I just posted some new self-portraits from last week. You can click back to view them..

and....HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Day 110 of 365 days

Day 109 - Opening up the blinds, originally uploaded by clarity25.

The weather is getting warmer, we can't really open the windows to let in the fresh air because we don't have screens. We're on the fourth floor and our cats have tried to jump out the window anytime we open it too wide.

So we can only crack it open a tiny bit.

But the view is beautiful. I love pulling up the blinds in the morning and taking it in. Sometimes I'll just sit there and look at the view while eating my breakfast.

Everytime I see the golden gate bridge this happy and hopeful feeling fills my chest. A warmth goes through my body.

It's a feeling of finding my home and knowing that no matter what.. there's really nowhere else in the world I'd rather be.

Day 109 of 365 days

Day 108 - Spending time with the Painted Ladies, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Whenever I'm feeling down, I walk to Alamo Square and sit on the park bench directly in front of "The Painted Ladies"

I like to try to imagine what the inhabitant of these famous victorian homes look like.. wait for one of them to come out. But oddly, No one ever walks out, No one ever walks in... Everyone just strolls right by.

Does anyone know who lives in these houses?

P.S. You might be thinking.. "how is THIS a self portrait, Clarity?.. you're pushing it.". But no, look closer. There's my finger in the shot and it's pointing to my dream home.

The Yellow Victorian home in the center of the line up. I named that particular Painted Lady ... CAMILLE.

Day 108 of 365 days

Day 107 - Death by Sushi, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I was so excited about my first day off... Celine and I decided to do something we've wanted to do for a long long time (ever since our days in college together).. Something we've only talked about and dreamed about...

ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI

On Polk Street, in a little hole in the wall Japanese Joint called "Nara Sushi".. they have a cheap All-you-can-eat special Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday nights. Every time I passed by, I peered in the windows longingly..

I whispered "Some day... Some day..."

Someday was TODAY.

I honestly didn't think it was possible to overdose on Sushi. I've never been able to afford enough Sushi to feel stuffed. Everytime I went to a Sushi restuarant, I left feel hungry and wishing I could eat just a little more.

But TODAY I overdid it.

"Nara Sushi" is a smart restaurant. They add double the amount of rice because they know it will fill you up faster and make you order less. They also tell you that you HAVE to finish all your rice and everything on the plate before your next order. No doggie bags or leftovers allowed. Only order what you can eat.

At first I was in heaven! Ordering tons of sushi and eating it blissfully like a child in a candy store.

I went overboard and suddenly I was stuffed with still a lot left on my plate. I knew I couldn't leave without finishing it. I ate the rest slowly.. my stomach aching, feeling feverish, full..queasy.. The chewy raw salmon made me want to gag.. the fishy smell all around me...So much sushi.. so much rice... The room was spinning. The waitresses were watching me from across the room.

It became a sushi nightmare.

I went home and laid down in bed clutching my stomach, sweating and moaning. I was so full, it was even hard to breath. I felt so sick. I cradled the toilet bowl a few times and contemplated sticking a chopstick down my throat just to make the pain go away.

Eric couldn't stop laughing and held my hand.. "be careful what you wish for, Clarity.. you just might get it. I hope you learned a lesson today..." even though he couldn't stop teasing me...He rubbed my back and laid beside me all night long.

I did learn a lesson. A painful lesson in gluttony..

For all the other sushi-lovers out there... don't make the same mistake I did. There IS such a thing as too much sushi.

Day 107 of 365 days

Day 106 - The Tonga Room, originally uploaded by clarity25.

We decided to celebrate by going to "THE TONGA ROOM" in the Fairmount Hotel on Nobhill for the famous Happy Hour special. I've read about it in all the San Francisco Travelguides as a "Must see"

It was fun, but not as amazing as I expected.

The deal is a very "fancy buffet" for $9.50 BUT you also have to buy one drink.

Of course that "one drink" is crazy expensive. Between $7.50 and $9.00 for a single cocktail. So it's not much of a deal at all. The buffet is just a couple of spring rolls, salad, chips and fruit...

It's overpriced but the atmosphere is unique. It looks like the set of an Indiana Jones movie and there are simulated rain storms about every 15 minutes. Rain, lightening. thunder..etc.

Not really a "must see" -- but interesting. Different.....

Anyone else been to the Tonga Room? What did you think?

Day 106 of 365 days

Day 105 - San francisco Museum of Modern Art, originally uploaded by clarity25.

A perk about working in SOMA is being close to a number of museums.

Eric joined me during my lunchbreak today and we walked across the street to The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.

It's free the first Tuesday of every month.

Day 105 of 365 days

Day 104 - stepping down, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I just got over a bad case of the flu... which is why there's a number of days missing.

Now I'm working in SOMA in a multi-media company

The walk is a bit longer, it takes me 45 minutes..

Day 104 of 365 days

Day 103 - In the Cellar, originally uploaded by clarity25.

enjoying 1$ Corona's after work at THE CELLAR on Sutter Street with Celine.

Talking about life and love.

It's times like this that I'm grateful to have Celine as a roommate again. She was my bestfriend in College. I never imagined that years later she would be married to John, I would be married to Eric and we would all be living together in California.

That's my hand in the corner reaching for my corona and Celine across from me gesturing.

Day 102 - walking to work, originally uploaded by clarity25.

My favorite part about living in San Francisco is not needing a car anymore.

I thought I saw our old car "Marty" (the little Toyota Corolla we sold a few months ago after driving across the country) the other day while crossing the intersection. It was a surreal moment. The driver was about my age, perhaps a few years younger.. It wasn't the same person we sold the car to... but I recognized the familiar dents in the front area.

The light changed and "Marty" was gone.

Day 102 of 365 days

Day 101 - Sitting at my desk.... with more comfortable shoes, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Unfortunately I'm really sick today... I don't have the energy to write more.

I'll update again when my health improves...

Day 101 of 365 days

Day 100 - Trading in my shoes, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I realized after only a few days of work that these fancy shoes aren't practical. They're too high and not very comfortable.

I traded them in for a pair of comfortable ballet-style Mary Janes. I'd rather be myself, than play a role.

They're classy and professional, but they just don't fit me.

There are a lot of stereo-types about working in a lawfirm and the dress code is not as strict as I imagined. Lawyers are a lot more laid back than I thought.

I dropped the high-heels into my closet and closed the door.

Day 100 of 365 days

Day 99 - Recap of the first day, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I just finished my second day of work at the law firm and I thought I'd recap my first day...

Do you remember the FED EX package I mentioned that I was given by my job recruiter to take to the Law Firm?

I didn't open it because I knew it contained the bar exams and I thought it had to remain confidential.

It turns out that I was SUPPOSED to open it.

You see... My first assignment was to be a proctor for the exam and it contained a 30 page instruction book on being a proctor. Being a proctor is taken more seriously than I ever imagined. There is the pre-registration for the exam, Registration, Pre-exam instructions, Exam procedure and Post-exam procedure + sign out instructions.

I discovered this the moment I was buzzed into the office by the receptionist and met my boss.

I nervous walked up to her, wobbly on my high-heels and shook her hand. "Hi, I'm Clarity.. The temporary Administrative assistant you hired..."

"Do you have the pencils?", She asked briskly after exchanging brief greetings.

"um...pencils?"

"For the exam"

I shook the FED EX package. I heard what sounded like pencils. "I think they're in this package...?"

"You didn't open the package?", She asked with a tone of disbelief and confusion.

"No.. I thought..."

"Did you ever proctor an exam before?", She asked

"......No."

"There's a detailed instruction manual inside the package. This is taken very seriously and we're depending on you to maintain the confidentiality and integrity of this important examination" she continued. "Have a seat in your office, open the package and READ the guidebook. You have 30 minutes before pre-registration. Then it will be you alone in the conference room with 35 people. You have to know the procedure and follow it exactly. After the exam, we'll get you settled in and I'll explain your regular administrative duties in this firm"

"okay, thank you", I nervously took a seat behind a big desk with the un-opened FED EX package in front of me.

And I felt sheer PANIC and FEAR. 30 minutes to learn everything. I wanted to cry or run away. I felt unprepared, unprofessional and completely out of my element. What was I DOING here in this place?? How did I end up here?? Why didn't my recruiter TELL me more about my job duties instead of just handing me some random package and an address???

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Then I tore open the fed ex package. It was filled with sealed envelopes containing 35 exams, boxes of pencils, registration forms and a PROCTOR instruction guide.

I settled down and read it closely. jotting down notes on a separate piece of paper for the main points.. It was a lot to memorize and remember, but when I broke it down...I knew I could recite it all. If an actress can receive a script for a television show a half hour before the filming and memorize it all.. so could I.

Before I knew it. I was sitting at a desk in front of 35 suits in a big conference room with massive windows overlooking the financial district introducing myself as their proctor and instructing the class to come up one by one with their identification for pre-registration for their exam.

That was the hardest part of the day, but once I overcame that and managed to wing it with confidence.. the rest of the day was a piece of cake. I learned the required programs, met my co-workers and made a few friends a long the way.

I walked home with a smile. I had been so afraid of what this day had in store for me, although at certain moments it was overwhelming.. I can definitely fall into the swing of it and work in a law firm for a week.

Day 99 of 365 days