Day 188 - Acceptance, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I went through all the stages, and I've reached acceptance.

Denial and isolation: "This isn't happening. This can't be happening. I feel like my family is so alone in this"

Anger: "this is unfair! This is unjust! I have to do something about it!.How could the judge do this??"

Bargaining: "Maybe we can appeal, maybe I can ask the New York Times to write another article.. maybe it will change something."

Depression: "Nothing is ever going to change. I don't want to get up this morning. What's the point?"

Acceptance: ".This is the situation. I can not alter it, so it's time to come to terms with it and help my brother. In the end, it is going to be okay. Right now he just needs the support of his family."

My little brother is stronger than I give him credit for. He will get through this. Our family is going to get through this. Life does indeed go on and like they always say "This too shall pass"

Today I am doing alot better. I have a clearer perspective.

This is not going to break my brother or my family, we will pull together and overcome it.

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:18 AM | 2 comments

Day 187 - Sadness, originally uploaded by clarity25.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. It was just a heavy feeling of sadness that pushed my body deeper into the sheets. It all felt pointless all of a sudden.

What's the use in fighting? I should have known it would have ended up this way. No one ever said life was "Fair"? Why do we keep believing that it could be?

I rolled over in the bed, hugged my pillow and just drifted back into sleep.


Day 187 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:15 AM | 1 comments
22.6.07

, originally uploaded by clarity25.

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 8:56 AM | 7 comments

Day 185 - Confession, originally uploaded by clarity25.

There are some defining moment in life. Moments that terrify you and all you have is your faith and hope. You are helpless.

Moments when you realize how petty problems like Financial struggles, moving decisions, job choices and small every day dramas are... It doesn't matter in light of the larger issues that you can't control and that change your life.

I don't want to write in details what is happening today in this public blog. My close friends know and you know which locked diary to go to for more information.. It's very private but the future fate of my younger brother's life is on the line. It all lies on the decision of one man.

In a few hours I will be entering a court room with my family.

This is something that has been going on for 6 long years. It's a heavy storm cloud that has been overshadowing everything and hasn't gone away. I can't begin to describe the struggles we've gone through and the tears we've cried over this. It's something that no family wants to go through. You read about things like this in the Newspapers and think "Oh that wont happen to someone I love."

But it does happen.

Today could mark the end of a lot of pain or start another 8 months of pain for my entire family.

I've been acting calm on the outside, confident that all will go well and acting like a pillar of strength. But the truth is that I'm scared and it's hard to confess that without appearing weak. I need to be the strong one, that's my role in the family. Someone has to keep their cool.

I'm so scared right now for my younger brother... I couldn't even sleep last night.

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 5:55 AM | 7 comments

Day 183 - Feeling small, originally uploaded by clarity25.

“Those who find beauty in all of nature will find themselves at one with the secrets of life itself.”

Today We went up to the top of Whiteface mountain, Upstate New York.

The drive up to the top was terrifying. Driving around narrow steep ledges and slippery gravel. We took a rickity elevator located inside inside the mountain to reach the very top.

The view was incredible!

Standing on the edge, looking down...I felt so small, Dizzy and overwhelmed.

It was truly beautiful and awe-inspiring. Words can't even describe it.



Mountain View

Landscape

Day 183 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:20 AM | 2 comments

Day 182 - Road Trip, originally uploaded by clarity25.

The drive UPSTATE was beautiful. We passed mountains, and streams on all sides

This picture was taken when we stopped to stretch our legs on the side of the road.

No sky scrapers, traffic, taxi-cabs, Police and hospital sirens, car horns and crowds of angry busy people.

Just the sound of the breeze rustling through the lush trees and the sound of the moving streams.



As Time goes by

I want to live here.

Day 18
of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:16 AM | 2 comments

Day 181 - Going on a road trip, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Me and my sprained ankle are hitting the road tomorrow morning at 4 A.M.

I'm driving with my younger sister to UPSTATE NEW YORK to visit her new college and check out potential apartments for her to live. It will take about 5 hours to get there.

We'll be crashing overnight in a motel and returning Saturday afternoon.

It's been over 17 years since I've gone upstate. It's beautiful there so I'm sure I'll return with a lot of pictures.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Day 181
of 365 days

P.S. Thanks for all your great advice and caring notes regarding my ankle injury. I'm feeling a lot better, I'm sure by Monday I'll be able to take off this ugly brace.

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 5:38 PM | 3 comments

Day 180 - Back to work, originally uploaded by clarity25.

This morning I had to get up out of bed and bear the pain. I already took off Monday due to Sunday's accident, but I can't afford to miss another day of work.

I stumbed out of bed, popped 3 more Motrion and limped around my bedroom this morning pulling together an outfit to wear for the office.

My foot wouldn't fit into a pair of sneakers with my brace on, or my Doc Martins, or naturally my high heels.. but I managed to squeeze my foot into a pair of loose fitting dress shoes. I can't go into work barefoot. It's still extremely painful when I walk, but I have to grit my teeth and cope. My foot is still swollen and throbbing. I attached the brace as tightly as I could for the support.

I have too much to do at work. I don't want to lose my job.

I'll get through this injury just like everything else.

“If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet.”
-Neil Simon

Besides this is small stuff, I'm lucky that I've gone this far without having to have any surgery or broken bones. I was only admitted into a hospital once at age 4 to have my tonsils removed. I don't even have any scars.

and People have accidents every day. So I have nothing to complain about.

Random Question: What is the worst injury you've had?

Day 180 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 7:36 PM | 7 comments

Day 179 - Just my luck, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Yes, I'm the sad owner of this ugly swollen ankle dressed up in a Futuro brace.

Last night I was walking down the hallway steps in the pitch darkness and Fiona darted across my path. It took me by surprise. (Yes, I tripped over one of my cats). I fell over onto the floor and twisted my ankle badly. The pain shot from my ankle up my leg and I was literally writhing in pain.

This morning I woke up with a bruised and swollen foot. I couldn't apply any pressure on it without tears coming to my eyes. I was limping around. I tried to get into my dress shoes for work and the pain was so bad I began to cry.

Eric took one look at my foot and told me that I need to take the day off, pack it in ice and keep it propped up on the pillows.

JUST MY LUCK.

He bought me a brace this afternoon (Eric's been such a loving doctor, I don't know what I would do without him.) and I just took 3 Motrin an hour ago. The swelling has gone down a little but my foot is still throbbing. my ankle looks like there is a balloon lodged under the skin. I'm keeping it in the brace and taking it off every hour to apply ice for 20 minutes at time. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. I can't afford to miss another day of work.

I can't remember the last time I sprained my ankle this badly

*sigh*....The story of my life.


Any advice on speeding up the healing of a sprained ankle?

Day 179 - of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 7:35 PM | 4 comments

Day 178 - Sunday Morning, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Sunday

“Make the best of today, for there is no tomorrow until after today.”

7 A.M. Eric just left for work...I wish we had the day off together. The house feels empty without him. The weather is dark and overcast. I can hear a rumble of thunder in the distance.

I'm about to sit down and read the New York Times with a cup of coffee. Afterwards I'm going to pull out of my oil paints and a fresh canvas. I need to turn off my phone and just get absorbed in my artwork for the rest of the day. I'm already in my painting clothes

I just finished my 6th grueling week at Innitech Corporation.

Sorry I've been absent for a week. But I've been taking a self-portrait each day regardless, I just uploaded all of them now. You can click back to view the past few days.

Enjoy your weekend

Day 178
of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:27 PM | 1 comments

Day 177 - Emptying my bag, originally uploaded by clarity25.


An intimate rare glimpse into the secret contents of my handbag.

Carrie Bradshaw from work gave me a new bag. (an incredibly kind gift) But it's significantly smaller than my last one.

I poured the contents of my previous bag onto the kitchen table and now I'm trying to figure out HOW to fit all of THAT STUFF into my tiny new bag. (see upper left hand corner)

If you scroll over the picture, you'll see a description of each item.

So... what's in YOUR bag?

Day 177 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:27 PM | 3 comments

Day 176 - The past, originally uploaded by clarity25.


"In this bright future, don't forget about your past"
-Bob Marley

I went to the library and checked out a pile of books about New York City's history and I'm absorbed. I wish I had more free time to read all these books and articles... but whenever I get a chance I relax in bed and read a chapter or two. It fascinating to learn about the struggles of my grandparents and ancestors in New York City, how things used to be and how far we've come.

There's Fiona in the right hand corner. We're still waiting for her "Soft Claws" to arrive.

Day 176 of 365 days

“For books are more than books, they are the life, the very heart and core of ages past, the reason why men lived and worked and died, the essence and quintessence of their lives.”

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:26 PM | 2 comments

Day 175 - Gone with the wind, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Wednesday afternoon.

I returned home tired from work, Immediately kicked off my high-heels, pulled my dress over my head and peeled off my stockings. I got into some casual clothes and poured a cup of coffee.

Eric is working until Midnight again...

I wanted to escape into a movie. This is a picture of me watching "Gone with the Wind" for the very first time...

I fell sleep on the sofa before the end of the first part. I need to see it to the end. Is there anyone else on this planet that HASN'T seen "Gone with the Wind" yet? (Besides me)

Day 175 of 365 days

P.S. Yes, I have big feet. I'm size 8 1/2.

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:26 PM | 5 comments

Day 174 - Hung over, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Tuesday Morning

I woke up with a pounding head, the light coming through the curtains hurt my eyes and I winced.

20 minutes until I had to leave to face another day at work.

I stumbled around and pulled together an outfit

Eric was still asleep, he doesn't go in to work until 3 P.M.

I gave him a kiss on the forehead, he shifted in his sleep and mumbled something, but I couldn't decipher it.

Then I slipped on my high heels and reluctantly headed out the front door. ...

Day 174 of 365 days

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:26 PM | 1 comments

Day 173 - Out of Focus, originally uploaded by clarity25.

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”
-Charles Schultz

I attempted to take a picture of my reflection in my bedroom mirror after a few beers.

That was pointless. But unfortunately since I have nothing else, It's the picture of the day.

It represents how out of focus and lost I felt. So many fights with my father, My mother isn't healing as quickly as expected. She's in more pain than she should be and it could be internal bleeding from the surgery. They gave her more painkillers and told her that if she was still in pain next week they would do a sonogram.

Eric and I have opposite work schedules and I'm too drained when I return home from work to even return all the phone calls from my friends. My social life is crumbling. I'm just too tired.

Not a great start to the week.

And the romantic idea of drinking to "escape the pain" didn't really help. I just passed out an hour later from exhaustion.

Day 173 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 4:25 PM | 1 comments

Day 172 - A wish, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Day 172 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 10:12 AM | 6 comments

Day 171 - Sunday morning, originally uploaded by clarity25.

“There are things known, and there are things unknown, And in between are the Doors”
-Jim Morrison

Eric and I have a day off together for the first time in 5 weeks.

I took this picture of me slowly opening the bathroom door while Eric was in the shower. Then I put away my camera for the day and joined him.

It was a perfect Sunday.


Day 171 of 365 days

Assignment for Take a class with Dave and Dave. Topic: "Sphere"

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 10:11 AM | 2 comments

Day 170 - Making Lunch, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I'm currently going through an artichoke obsession. It began about 5 weeks ago. I can't eat enough of them, even though it's a lot of work and preparation for so little.


Everyone has a different way of eating Artichokes. Here is the Clarity recipe:

Cut the thorny tips off an artichoke with a pair of scissors.
Boil it in a covered pot for 45 minutes. (or until the leaves can be easily pulled off with your fingers)

Mix Mayonaise, Dijon Mustard and honey together to create a sauce. Add thinly sliced onions, oregano, dill and rosemary.
Stir it all together.

Pull the leaves off the artichoke, dip them one by one into the sauce and enjoy.


Artichokes, Sushi, Avocadoes, shrimp and Olives. My favorite food in the world. I would eat only that every day for the rest of my life if I could.

Random Question: If you had to eat only one type of food and one type of drink for all eternity, what would you choose?

Day 170 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 10:09 AM | 5 comments

Day 169 - about the stripes, originally uploaded by clarity25.

"Life is about loving and letting go. It's about people learning to be comfortable in their own skin"

Today I looked back at the 169 pictures I've taken since I first joined 365 days. It's a unique documentation of my life and I'm grateful to the founder of the group for getting people involved in this concept. It's something I wouldn't have done on my own.

Even though it's been a rough time for me since I returned to the U.S., I'm really glad I documented it. I realized I'm not the only one going through a transitional period in their life and it was comforting to hear about OTHER people's life stories. Shared in comments and in their own photo streams. Flickr members ranging from 13 - 75 from all parts of the world. It's great to be a small part of something bigger than myself.

I noticed that 80% of my pictures involved stripes. Striped socks, striped sheets, striped shirts or shadows causing striped patterns of light.

Some people have asked: "What's up with all the stripes???"

Here's where I'm supposed explain a deeper significance behind it all , but the truth of the matter is... well, I don't really know.

Day 169 of 365 days. I'm almost at the halfway point. Only 196 days to go.

Thank you so much for coming along for the ride with me so far.

P.S. My friend at work sent me a cool link to new interactive site I'd like to share.


imagini.net/

You pick the pictures that represent your personality and you come up with a visual DNA respresentation and analysis of your character. It's really unique and different. I'll post my results, I'm interested to see yours. So if you decide to check it out, please share the link to your results.

Read my VisualDNAGet your own VisualDNA™

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 7:23 PM | 3 comments

Day 168 - New York Times, originally uploaded by clarity25.

“It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.”
Robert Kennedy

I started reading the New York times at age 19.

When I moved to Europe, An American New York Times issue cost 10 Euros to purchase at the train station. Once a month I would dish out the cash, but usually I just couldn't afford it.

One of the Perks of being back in the states is the opportunity to read my favorite Newspaper again. I don't write about current events here very much or even discuss politics with with my friends, but I enjoy debating with Eric and we always read it together at the breakfast table.

I went to the library the other day in search of Archived Newspapers and I was given a link and password to free unlimited access to the New York times Historical papers online. (The usual subscription cost is 155$ a year) It's available to all N.Y. Public library patrons. I've been utterly fascinated with this lately. I started at the first New York times published in 1851 and I've been making my way through the 1800's. I can't stop reading. Since it's written by people experiencing it first hand, It feels like a virtual time travel experience through American History.

Random Question: If you could have lived during one period of time in past history, when and where would it be?

Day 168 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 7:21 PM | 3 comments

Day 167 - Wednesday morning, originally uploaded by clarity25.

It Wednesday morning. I still have a sore throat and a headache..but it's time to take some Motrin and drag my body out of bed for work. Even though it's so tempting to call in sick again and crawl back under the sheets...

I have to remember my financial goal. This is our only way out of New York and each day we get closer to that goal. I can't give up now, although it's tempting. But if I quit now, we'll remain stagnant and trapped.

I can't believe I'm already in my 5th week of working at Innitech Corporation. It feels like just yesterday I was struggling to put together a business outfit for my first day at the job.

Now it's simply a daily routine.

Maybe I can re-set my alarm and squeeze in 15 more minutes of sleep....

Day 167 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 3:11 AM | 5 comments

Day 166 - Sick Day, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I woke up this morning with a pounding head, congestion, a sore throat, fever and swollen glands. I had to call off sick from work and I've been spending the day in bed.

This is just me in bed with the pain relief medication I've been taking to mask the symptoms.

When you're sick everything feels like it's exists only in shades of grey..

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

Day 166 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 3:10 AM | 1 comments

Day 165 - Just a moment, originally uploaded by clarity25.

“When you take a flower in your hand and really look at it, it's your world for the moment. I want to give that world to someone else. Most people in the city rush around so, they have no time to look at a flower. I want them to see it "
-Georgia O keefe

“To see a world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wild flower Hold infinity in the palms of your hand and eternity in an hour.”
-William Blake


I have the day off today, the weather is beautiful and My mother is healing from her surgery.

Happy Memorial Day

Day 165 of 365 days

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 3:10 AM | 1 comments

Day 164 - Dirty Dishes, originally uploaded by clarity25.

I don't own a dishwasher and I hate washing dishes

Here's a glimpse of me in the middle of that not so glamorous daily activity.

At least it got my mind off a upsetting situation I'm currently dealing with...

I'm contemplating whether or not to write about it. I have too much on my plate at the moment.

But for now, here is a picture of me washing the dirty dishes.

 
posted by Clarity: 365 days at 3:09 AM | 2 comments
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