Day 141 - Dear Dad...., originally uploaded by clarity25.

Have you ever had to write a letter that was important and necessary... but you couldn't get past the greeting?

I've been sitting here for 45 minutes staring down at this blank page with only the words...

"Dear Dad"

I can't talk to him right now. I'm bad at this. I get all choked up and emotional. My voice gets higher than I want it to and I get cornered easily. I back down and then everything I meant to say just dissolves away. I end up feeling worse and powerless. I cry too easily.

I'm better with words.

But I can't get the words to start flowing. I'm at a standstill and struggling. How do I write this letter? How do I express how I feel without sounding angry? How can I convince him to give Eric a chance? I can't get into the details. It's too long of a story.

There's been a lot of family struggles this week, in addition to the usual internet/computer problems. My laptop only works for 15 minutes at a time now before shutting down and it's incredibly slow. It took forever to just post this.

But I'm trying not to let technical difficulties or life struggles interfere with this daily photographic project, even though lately it's been hard to stay motivated. I also updated with photos from the last few days. You can click back to see them.

Now I have a letter I need to write.

Day 141 of 365 days

Day 140 - Saying Goodbye, originally uploaded by clarity25.

My good friend, Tara came to visit this week.

Unfortunately smack in the middle of a massive family drama. We were able to spend time together but not as much as I had hoped.

This was our last 25 minutes together before she had to leave for her flight.

We all sat together in Starbucks. Tara is on the left in the black Navy jacket, That's Eric having some kind of heart attack after taking a bite out of his crumbcake (to be honest, I'm not sure WHAT he's doing) and that's my Java chip Frappucino in the foreground. A chunk of of heaven all rolled up into a cup and ready for consumption.

Tara's visit slipped by so fast. I keep thinking she's still in town and that I can call her up to go out for drinks.

But now she's back in Florida...

We miss you Tara.:(

Day 140 of 365 days

Day 139 - Broken Dreams, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Have you ever seen the movie "Meet the Parents"? That's what I'm going through right now. (Minus the happy ending.)

What do you do when your father wont accept the man you chose to marry?

I feel like he's trying to tear us apart. These past few days have been the worst..

These are the figurines that were on our wedding cake at our marriage reception nearly 5 years ago. A few days ago it fell off the dresser and broke in half. I don't believe in bad omens but the sight of it made me cry.. .

My father didn't come to our wedding.

It was my mother that walked me down the aisle.

I haven't told that to anyone. The only people that knew this were the ones that attended the ceremony. I made an excuse for him. Now it's out in the open. I love my father but I'm tired of making excuses for him. He has crossed the line, I thought things were going to get better. I can't deal with this anymore.

I'm going to get out my superglue...

Day 139 of 365 days

Day 138 - Reaching for the Alarm, originally uploaded by clarity25.

Hearing the alarm clock go off after a night of laying awake in the darkness is the worst feeling in the world.

I reached over and turned it off...

So much drama.

I keep re-playing things that he said, events that occured...Everytime I closed my eyes, it all came back to me.

I start feeling helpless and angry. I can't sleep.

Eric rolled over and asked "Were you up all night?"

"Yes"

He pulled me in for a wordless hug.

Family problems.

Day 138 of 365 days

Michael, originally uploaded by clarity25.

In the middle of a world that has always been a bit mad, the cat walks with confidence."
~Roseanne Anderson

I realize this isn't exactly a self-portrait, but it's an update.

It's been a really rough couple of days.

I can't really get into it. Not here, not right now.

I wish things didn't have to be like this. I haven't been sleeping much lately.

My sister tried to cheer me up with the newest Sims 2 expansion pack That worked ....for about an hour.

Not in the mood to post a self-portrait... and having a lot of internet problems as of late.

I'll catch up soon. Just checking in.

Day 137 - Never?, originally uploaded by clarity25.

"Never say Never"... that's how the saying goes, but I was thinking about that this afternoon. There ARE somethings I can honestly say "NEVER" to..

13 things I would never do

1 - Eat a Live Camel Spider (or any insect for that matter)
2 - Lie to myself
3 - Take Eric for granted
4 - Turn my back on my family
5 - Discriminate against someone based on Religion or Ethnicity
6 - Kill someone
7 - Join a cult
8 - Smoke Crack
9 - Forget where I came from
10 - Go on a Reality Show (This 365 days project is the closest I'll ever come to exposing myself)
11 - Buy a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes. (10,000 for a pair of shoes is Biggest waste of money I can possibly imagine.)
12 - Vote a future Bush into office
13 - Refuse a plate of Sushi

What about you? What would you never do?

Day 137 of 365 days